Welcome to my website. I hope you enjoy the poetry!
"First Flight"
I watched the city disappear
For the first time
From the window seat of an airplane
I watched anxiously as
Strangers shuffled through their bags
For ear buds and paperback novels
But all I could think about was how
Close we’ve all become
To being a headline on the five o’clock news
Fuck the statistics,
My anxiety can’t do math
And the only comfort on this
Goddamn plane is $7 a bottle
They say the journey is the destination
But I was going home
And the journey wasn’t long enough.
Home, for the first time in over a year;
Home, where everything would be different,
Because goddammit, I was different;
But that plane wanted me to change.
I could feel the familiar atmosphere when we
Dropped below the clouds over the Crescent City.
But it wasn’t the humidity that weighted
my lungs or made me sick.
It was the hymns of hypocrites
Wafting through the air
And the fucking language of judgement
Branded into the leather of the Bible Belt
That I had waited my whole life to take off,
And yet here I am.
I stepped off the plane and wondered,
“What the fuck am I doing here?”
As the smell of the Gulf reminded me
Of everything I had left behind.
It was December,
and all I wanted for xmas
Was to be somebody else,
To be somewhere else,
Where it wouldn’t matter that I think god is a lie,
Where it wouldn’t matter that I’m a disappointment
Or where it wouldn’t matter if I just fucking...
Wasn’t.
I didn’t want to be the tears in my family’s eyes,
But if you shave the wool off of a black sheep
It becomes naked and vulnerable
But it’s still a black sheep.
Black, like the space where my confidence
Was always supposed to be.
Like the corner where I kept all of my feelings
Crumpled up like the scribbles of bad ideas
And thoughtlessly discarded,
just like I wanted to be.
I was home and
just like that,
As if it were waiting on my return,
Everything I had left behind
Fell heavy into place on my shoulders again.
"Untitled"
April 15, 2017
I lie pensive and still for a while
like the posed, discarded corpse
of a serial killer's last victim.
with my back pulled hard into the dirt
by the earth's rotation
-the only force that begs me to stay-
I stare lonely into the cold night sky
where the rhythmic blinking of airplane lights
passing through the canvas of dark purples and grays
only remind me that no one ever stays
I'll watch as the desert sun makes its way
above the polluted city skyline, like it always does
but the reality of this constant,
this assurance of a brand new day,
this empty promise of a metaphorical fresh start,
doesn't find a happy home in my pessimistic mind.
the light of a new day can't break through
the dense cloud of emotional turmoil
that blankets the barren landscape of my thoughts
to feed the dying flowers of optimistic dreams
that once found root years before.
I'm misplaced in a world with nowhere to hide
I'm faceless walking through these streets
just wearing down the soles of my Converse
on the same empty paths to nowhere that I follow
day after painful day and night after lonely night.
the sun stretches and perverts my shadow
until even it leaves me to walk alone
under the glowing eyes of buzzing street lights
crying down angrily at the littered sidewalks
the same way that I do
until I find the next empty seat in front of a draft tap
where beer and background noise
provide the perfect environment to
synthesize friendship for a while
the alcoholic glaze over my sleepless eyes
is like limousine tint that hides the identity
of the demon passengers I keep locked inside.
their screams muted by the echoes of laughter,
chatter, and the thuds of glass hitting wooden tables.
it's easy to connect when everyone sees the world
through the bottom of a pint glass.
but the amber filter that brings life to the night
will always fade with the falling moon
"Wishlist"
I want that
airplane mode all weekend long
kind of love
that holding hands in the supermarket
kind of love
That kiss in a long line, making other people sick
kind of love
I want to see the soft light
of a morning sun
shine on the cutest sleeping face I’ve ever seen.
I want conversations and coffee
over avocado toast and poached eggs.
I want that
pjs and binge watching
some shameful Netflix series
Kind of love
That text me on a whim and
tell me you’re thinking of me
Kind of love
That old school emoji
Kinda <3
Because we all appreciate that
extra bit of effort ;)
I want that terrifying kind of love
That work hard every goddamn day
to make it last kind of love
I want
honesty, laughter, and light
long talks about nothing
goodnight kisses that mean everything
handwritten “see you again soon” notes
that I could potentially leave anywhere
but you’d just know to look for them.
I want to give everything that I am
...
and not be empty
"A Blank Canvas"
If I could be anything just for you
I’d choose to be a blank canvas
Somewhere that you could paint your dreams
Somewhere for your imagination to run free
Something that you could always be proud of.
I’d follow the gentle stroke of your brush anywhere
Through bright green forests and quiet streams
To mirrored skyscrapers and bustling city streets
Under the soft rays of a sunrise over the ocean
Into the everlasting void of a star filled sky
Maybe...
Paint me in a rose garden
with patterned stone pathways
That twist and turn,
rise and fall,
But always lead me back to you
You’re sitting there, beautiful,
on the edge of a tiered marble fountain
Calmly tapping at the surface of the water
So the ripples blend the colors of the blooms
Paint us in Seattle
under cloudy skies
The crowd hurrying all around us,
blurred like car lights
in time lapse photographs
We’re motionless in the center of the chaos
Like we’re independent of and oblivious to
The rest of the world
Under our shared umbrella
Holding hands and smiling as we
Splash in the puddles
Because we just appreciate the rain
Paint me in a room full of windows
The light coming in is bending
through my uplifted glass of red wine
It makes it look like I’m blushing
As I toast to some milestone or achievement
Paint me with a smile on my face
Because you’ve painted me next to you
"Crush"
you, my dear,
are a priceless work of art
without the confines of a frame;
a contemporary classic
with a vintage poise.
you are effervescence
gorgeously gift-wrapped
in a tight dress and high heels
sauntering dreamily through my
thought bubbles until they pop,
and the dialogue crashes loudly
into a lusty search-a-word puzzle.
tell me darling,
what's the first word you see?
you're like staring timelessly
into a kaleidoscope,
because no matter how you spin it
the imagery is always beautiful and complex.
I want to paint my entire world
in the colors from your palette
and watch them scatter
along the endless horizon
in the light of a summer sunset.
I want to taste you on my lips
like the lingering bite of red wine
after the party comes to an end.
you go straight to my head and make me dizzy.
I probably look like a damn fool
losing my fight with gravity,
but even a fool
stumbling next to you
would feel like the king.
"This Just In (e)"
It was like staring at the sun
Being drawn to the center of something
bigger
Something in control and
Overwhelmingly bright
The luxurious heat warmed my soul
And melted my heart
Spinning around in circles made me dizzy
The gravity always keeping me close
But never pulling me in to range
Because it would have meant dying
Distance is safety
Orbiting like space trash
Keeping my filth away from the
untarnished,
ever-burning fire in your eyes
The sun isn’t meant to be touched
But to divide the darkness
And chase away the cold
Leaving its influence to remain
Even though darkness comes
inevitably
again
"Find Me"
find me,
in the thundering sound of laughter
or in the spot that lingers in your vision
after you stare absently into the sun.
find me,
in the blank spaces between
the words of your favorite book
or the lines of your favorite song.
find me,
beneath the peaceful gloom
of heavy rain clouds
or the pendulous shadow
cast by an empty swing.
find me,
in the empty echo of footsteps
falling slowly as they recede.
find me,
where the moon hangs forever
and the daylight never comes.
find me,
in the first glass of wine
on an exhausting Wednesday night.
find me,
because I can't.
find me,
because I'm lost.
find me,
because I've looked everywhere
for you.
"Falling on Darker Times"
the dust is settling, but the sun is still gone.
he's only a shadow of the man he once was,
but a shadow can't exist in the dark.
he's fading away like the signs of youth
on the faces of the experienced;
caught by the hands of the clock &
entombed beneath the sands of the hourglass
like buried treasure soon to be forgotten.
there is no fire left inside of him.
no passion or desire to press onward into
the congregated swarm of strangers' faces
pulsing in the streets for a shred of purpose
like flies circling around the bullshit.
anonymity seems to shroud his face &
his intentions are lost in his expression.
his screams for salvation are muted by
the echoes of his past solecisms that
linger still, in the chambers of his heart.
he's lost his faith in the idea of happiness
somewhere in the bottom of a bottle,
but he'll search every one to locate it again.
all he ever finds is a welcomed numbness &
a temporary measure of confidence that
dissolves into regret & uncertainty.
it's the worst at night when the silence falls &
the only sounds are the voices in his head.
like a panel of judges pointing out his
every misstep with sharpened words that
cut straight through to his core.
he resides in the depths of depression
with emotions like gossamer that
tear & shred with the slightest agitation
until there's nothing left to destroy &
the only solace to be seen is surrender
"Perspective"
standing in the middle of a sea of lost souls
pulled under by the tide & lost in the waves
what the fuck am I really doing here?
I'm nothing more than a drop in the gene pool
another expressionless face in the audience
watching the world implode & dissolve
while god kicks back & has a smoke.
I hate it here & I've exhausted all of my patience
waiting on my potential to
manifest itself...maybe. or perhaps I'm simply
destined to existential auto-pilot
taking the fast lane and bypassing the "sights"
on my way to the crash.
goddamn these cynical eyes, this empty hole in my
chest & these tired calloused hands that paint
the world a wasteland with every stroke.
is there no light to pierce the dense darkness I see
when I look out into the vast expanse we call home,
or has the sun committed suicide &
forsaken us to wander through eternal night?
it's like taking a late night stroll through a minefield,
blindfolded & dragging a suitcase.
i want an escape & it doesn't matter where,
but i'll never make it to the other side. why?
because i can't run from my own perspective
anymore than i can run from the hands of the clock
that are always reaching for my throat.
"Abandon"
such abandon never despairs its light
or gives substance to consequence;
it embodies the spirit of impulse and
ultimately arrogantly falls into asininity.
the future gets lost in the periphery as
focus is drawn to that singular moment
when my life starts to collapse and
i'm standing amidst the ruins like a fool
holding the pieces of my disaster.
time goes unmeasured in the wake
as i aggregate the pieces in an attempt
to reconcile the life I once knew, but
trembling hands have no strength to
mend or reassemble a broken life,
and while hope flies with angelic wings,
i'm surrounded by demons tonight.
my resolve is deteriorating while
my anchor to reason is untethered and
i'm drifting away into oblivion
on a ship called "Abandon."
"Breadcrumbs"
you leave footprints in my thoughts;
your steps are light and elegant,
but leave their distinct telltale impressions
like breadcrumbs for me to follow.
your eyes awaken my dormant hopes
and beckon me to pursuit,
but I am hopelessly lost in the obscure
as you slip silently into mere memory.
still, I'm haunted by the residual images
of your light in my retinas yet to recover.
tears won't wash away the stains of my lament
or purge the guilt from my soul.
rodent nibbled edges of attic stored
photographs fit together to chronicle
my journey into despair -
hanging like dead flowers
on the wrong side of the tilt shift,
falling out of frame
leaving abandoned space to be filled.
i'm just a shadow, blurred by the vignette,
cast in the background by the growing light
behind the eyes of a budding new Shakespearian romance.
lay me down and offer me nepenthe
while voices softly whisper elegies as lullabies;
bittersweet stanzas of profundity
fading with my consciousness into blissful sleep.
let the world crumble away around me;
as the remedy reaches my disease.
"Embrace"
the droning sound of light rainfall soothes me;
as I lie withdrawn and rapt in silent reverie.
mundane grievances fall quietly away
as thoughts of her cross my mind.
I glimpse tomorrow when I look into her eyes –
effulgent and full of hope.
those beautifully opaque
jade colored eyes;
they pierce through my reservations
and right into the most vulnerable parts of me.
all of my darkest secrets,
my deepest insecurities,
my crippling weaknesses,
showcased like works of art
and intricately examined.
I stand silent, horrified, and unable to move;
ashamed of who I am.
and then, as if I had spoken my fears,
her arms reach out to hold me.
a calm, unlike anything I have ever known,
hits me like a welcomed summer breeze.
among the bedlam of my cognition,
i muse:
does the light in her eyes still shine
while she’s fast asleep and dreaming?
"Selflessness"
I thought I wanted to find myself but
my only desire is to become lost in you.
I want to sink slowly into the
infinite depths of your welcoming eyes
and float timelessly in your vision.
I want to undress you
of your insecurities
and as they fall slowly away
I'll step back to revel in
the perfection of your bare soul.
let me worship you like a goddess
and study every intricate inch
of your delicate body with a
precise, satisfying fascination.
take me by the hand and walk with me
speak softly into my heart so that your
words may forever echo in my pulse
giving a purpose to my existence.
"Captive"
i watched her from a distance
through the skeletal trees of deep winter.
like an apparition she seemed to float
her flowing black gown seemed cut
from the fabric of the universe
as it reflected the constellations.
the frayed hem swayed in
sensual rhythm with her body
just above the forest floor.
she danced with the earth
the cold northern wind kissed her cheek
and twirled her raven colored hair.
her fluid movements captivated me.
reaching a clearing in the trees
she knelt almost ritualistically
under the clear night sky
and with delicately cupped hands
held the moonlight to her midnight lips
and drank the warm calm of the night.
her face was fair but intense and
her eyes shone like distant stars
as they followed the curves of the horizon
like she were searching for home.
her dark beauty is lost in this world.
her lips do not move, and yet,
I hear the lonely cries of her soul.
do I dare answer?
"... She Said"
“The rain will cure us...”,
she said almost whispering,
while we ran as carelessly as children
through the deluge -
like it would be our last dance.
I felt so heavy
as my clothes carefully
curated each drop of rain
as if it were a missing piece of me.
lightning in the distance
tore through the sky with such anger
the earth, growing soft under our feet,
began to tremble
like my hand slowly reaching towards the sky
waiting for the next flash to be mine.
waiting for that burst of light
to fill every dark corner of my soul
with light for the first time
“The rain will cure us...”,
I repeated
"Cynicism"
fighting through the darkness
like the blades of light that sneak silently
through the curtains at dawn
leveraging the unpleasant reality
against the dreams behind my closed eyes
fate doesnt knock or announce itself
it barges in, guns blazing yelling
"fuck you"
the dust has no chance to settle
before the clock stops and the time is lost
for the poor soul whose head is heavy with despair
follow the blood trail like rose petals
to a honeymoon suite bed
where life and love both begin to end
"I'm Glad It Wasn't Goodbye"
why is it that my thoughts always
read like suicide notes?
words needed to carry the
kind of weight that crushes me.
everything that I think
sounds a lot like goodbye,
and I guess that makes sense because
I’ve heard it so much that it still echoes
my honesty makes me feel vulnerable,
but I don’t even brace for the strike anymore.
even in the dark behind swollen eyes
each face in my memory still looks
angry and disapproving but,
goddamn, there is no escape.
feed me to the earth in pieces
and may I bloom into something better.
thoughtfully cut me down and
rearrange me however you’d like
use me
to bring a smile to someone’s face
it’s all I’ve ever wanted
"Insomnia"
restless nights are often occupied
by heartbreaking shimmers of nostalgia,
wisps of nebulous "what-ifs," and
miraculous retina correcting hindsight.
the two a.m. darkness buries itself deep
in the lacerations on my soul
burning like salty tears in tired eyes.
demons dance as shadows on my walls
in the flickering light cast by
a candle burning from both ends
to the angel’s bittersweet lullabies…
the battle for peaceful dreams
is fought in the realm of nightmares,
where hope is a faded memory sketched
hastily on a crumpled piece of paper.
"Hidden Track"
we wandered directionless like vagabonds
hiding from our purpose like thieves
among the shadows of our doubt.
masks of misdirection are defense mechanisms that
we use to hide the cuts of failed pantomimed conversations.
under blankets of midnight sky we
leapt from the spires of our despair
that pierce the sky like monoliths
architected by the Ancients as
reminders of the concrete past.
the night swallows us like a drug while
the moon shines through the medicated
haze of clouds with the arrogance
of the sun staring at its own reflection.
the wind carries our final cries for salvation
but they fall silent
upon deaf ears like the
muttering of a deathbed repentance.
we wrote our story in the stars and
stained the ground with our goodbyes
"Depression"
depression is a pile of dirty laundry
in the corner of my room.
it's a mountain of empty soda cans
on the nightstand beside my bed.
it's the heavy bags under my eyes
and a dip in the mattress
on my favorite side of the bed.
it's the muscles that ache
because I didn't move all weekend.
depression is unwashed hair
under a dirty old hat.
it's teeth that haven't been brushed
and a pair of shorts I've worn
three days in a row now.
it's playing the same sad song
over and over again until I can't even hear it,
and the words that once resonated in me
aren't even words anymore.
depression is staring at my phone
needing someone to care, but
not wanting to talk to anyone.
it's thoughts like:
"would a friend or a stranger find my body here?" or
"how long would it take anyone to notice I'm gone?"
it's a weight that holds me down,
and an image that leaves me shaking in the corner.
it's a pair of eyes that never blink
and a whisper that never falls silent.
"Token"
carry me with you in memory
like a sentimental token;
remember me only in the light.
seek me only when I'm misplaced.
heavy hearts weigh you down and
mine is full of unpolished stones
never to be cut, to be set, or to shine.
cast me into the ocean and let me sink.
"Forgotten"
I’m just a faded
graphite signature
at the bottom of a
penciled love letter
that no one will ever
read aloud again.
"Midnight Shadows"
let's chase our roaming shadows
cast long into the night
by the bars' neon light
through drunken city streets
into passion tangled sheets
the morning doesn't have to see
who midnight let us be
"Ego"
we are all just carbon copies of
broken promises filling the dead space
between dimensions like shadows
oblivious to the dying light
arrogance is the ignorance that we
wear like a noose while we balance
on top of our lies, well dressed
and full of shit
waiting for the truth
to tighten the rope
and humble us
